What if
by Kari-chan-06
Summary: Kate made a choice about her life and now wonders if it was the right one.
1. What if

What if...

Disclaimer: I don´t own any characters or anything.

Summary: Kate made a choice about her life and now wonders if it was the right one.

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It´s been almost a year now, but somehow, it seems like forever to me. I watch my 5-month-old son sleeping in his crib. He looks so cute when he´s smiling in his sleep, that´s something he got from his dad, I think. At the same time I think that this shouldn´t be happening, all of it shouldn´t have happened in the first place, but there´s no way to turn back time. It was an accident, that thing with J.T. and Joyce , a one-night-stand that went wrong somehow, I still don´t know how I could have let it come to that. There has been so much going wrong afterwards as well.

All of us had been a bit drunk, it was our Christmas Party after all. I don´t know how exactly I ended up in his bed, I really don´t. When I found out I was pregnant four weeks later, I knew it hadn´t been a dream after all. I didn´t tell him. I went home after work, wrote a letter of resignation to the director in which I told him that I would quit my job at NCIS. It was sent on a Friday and I was gone on Sunday already. I have left everything behind, everything I ever had.

I don´t know if they tried to find me afterwards, if they did, they didn´t succeed. I´ve been trained in Secret Service. I knew how to cover my tracks and start all over again. I don´t think they´ll come looking for me out here in Wyoming. It´s too far away from Washington. I bought a small cabin up in the mountains, there are no neighbors for at least 5 miles around me.

Sometimes I wonder how my life would be if I had told him, if I had stayed in Washington, but then I look at J.T. and realize how wonderful our life is out here. There´s a picture hanging above his bed, a picture of the day he was born and the day his sister died in my arms. I didn´t know I was having twins, they only realized when I came to the hospital, but it was too late to save Joyce. They told me it was twin-to-twin-transfusion-syndrome. I cried a lot, but yet, I had a little boy who needed me. Some day I will have to tell him, but not now.

The place we live at is called Lost Lake, because there´s rarely anyone who finds the way up here. It´s not that difficult, if you trust your senses. It´s a beautiful area with a crystal clear lake. Maybe a year ago, I would have hated it, but now I really like it. I take the truck to Jackson once in a while to get groceries. There are two large freezers in the garage, so I don´t need to go very often. Sometimes, I´m not going down into the valley for a month or two in a row. It depends on the weather. Winter is cold up here and there´s lots of snow, summer is rather hot.

I walk back into J.T´s room and watch him sleep. For a moment, I wonder what they are doing right now, if they are still at NCIS. Dinozzo, Abby, McGee and Ducky, well and Gibbs of course. I wonder if he´s still living it down to the second b in his name. On a day like this, I miss them a bit, but I know I can´t go back. I closed that chapter of my life the day I walked out of the office. I know my thoughts will continue to go back to Washington for a while, because tomorrow it will be one year since I left.

I look at the only thing that I have taken with me, the only bit of my past. It´s my PDA sitting on my desk. I haven´t turned it on since I left Washington. It feels like it´s calling out for me to just open the flap, pick out one of the phone numbers and call one of them, just to hear a familiar voice again. Abby is the one I miss most of all. She´s the best friend I ever had -and will ever have, I think. I also miss the rest of them, especially right now. I look out of the window as the sun is disappearing behind the Teton range and I feel a single tear rolling down my face.

The next morning is sunny, but very cold. I wrap my son into a blanket and put him into the truck. The road is clear this morning, but there is supposed to be more snow tonight, so I have to get my freezers filled up, in case I don´t get out here for a month or something. Jackson is a nice place, they got everything you need and it´s barely an hour´s drive from the Lost Lake. I stop at the grocery store first of all. When I park my truck, I notice an SUV about 30 ft across from where I parked. It´s a simple black SUV, like there are many around a place like this, but something is different with this one. It´s more a gut feeling, something I haven´t felt for a very long time.

I don´t get out and keep watching that truck. The driver is still sitting inside, window rolled down. I can see a blue baseball cap and a hand holding one of those take-away-cups they sell in coffee shops. My window is rolled down half way and I see another person walking over from the store. I would have recognized those sunglasses from a million others. "Dinozzo, get over here now. We´ve got a job to do, so stop flirting." A voice comes from the SUV and I feel my blood freezing. Pictures come back to my mind, pictures I thought I had forgotten already.

Tony -brown hair, kind eyes, megawatt-smile. Gibbs -Silver hair, strict face, icy blue eyes. Abby -black pigtails, black eyeshadow. Ducky -ever polite manners, honest smile and that innocent look in his eyes. I swallow hard and weigh my options, looking down at my son, who is happily watching some birds fly across the sky. I look into his eyes and wonder what I should do. "That´s your daddy out there, J.T." I whisper at my little boy, who smiles back at me. What if I just get out and walk over to them? What if I stay here and wait until they are gone?

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I wrote this as a one shot, so I´m not actually planning to go on, but if you like it enough, I just might. Please review.


	2. Revelation

What if…

Disclaimer: I don´t own any characters or anything.

Summary: Kate made a choice about her life and now wonders if it was the right one.

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Chapter 2: Revelation

I´m still trying to weigh my options as Dinozzo is passing by. He´s not looking at me, probably because Gibbs still yells at him for being a skirtchaser. He´s right in front of me now and I´ll be out of his sight in just a second, but just this second J.T. starts crying loudly and for whatever reason, it makes Tony stop. The sun is shining brightly today and he got sunglasses on, so he will probably just see a shadow inside this truck. At least I hope he does. I reach for J.T. and try to calm him down, but for some reason he doesn´t stop crying. He never cries like this, at least he never did before.

When I notice that Tony has stopped in front of me, I realize that my son has taken the decision from me. "Dinozzo, what´s the matter? We got to go." Gibbs´ voice is echoing over the parking lot again, but Tony is still looking at me through the windshield. It takes him three steps to walk over to the window on my side. It´s still rolled half way down. It seems like forever that he just stands there and stares, mouth hanging open. I´m not sure if I want to smile or start crying.

I try to look down onto my shirt, because I can´t bring myself to meet his eyes. There are small dark spots forming on the fabric, but I don´t even realize that I´m crying. The door of my truck is opened, normally I would defend myself, but I can´t move. I feel a warm hand under my chin, lifting my head until I look at him. "Kate..." His voice is soft, but full of questions. I know I won´t be able to run again. I´m tired of running away all of the sudden.

I keep my eyes locked on him. "Tony, hi." I reply and try to smile, but I just feel empty. For a moment, I see nothing else but his face in front of me. "How you doing?" That´s the only thing that comes to my mind and I don´t really care how stupid it sounds. I can´t stand this silence.

"Kate..." He repeats and I see confusion in his eyes. "Why, Kate?" He asks. I turn a bit and look at J.T. in the carrier. Tony´s eyes widen when he sees my little boy for the first time. "Why didn´t you tell us?"

I look at Tony again. "I don´t know." That´s nothing more or less than the truth. All of the sudden, I don´t remember why I ran away all of the sudden. "Got scared, I guess." I admit and hear Gibbs shouting at Tony again. "You should go or he´ll kill you, Tony." I tell him, but I mean something totally different. I want to go back with them, I want to get my life back.

Tony looks into my eyes again, but he doesn´t move. "What´s his name?" He asks and looks at J.T. again, who is now playing with his fingers.

It´s not easy to get this out, but I know I have to. "Jethro Thomas." I say and his eyes widen when he realizes what these words mean. It´s finally out and I´m not alone to carry this burden anymore. I feel new tears streaming down my face. "Help me, Tony, please." I whisper and feel his hands on my shoulders. He´s been my partner for more than two years, he´s been my friend when I needed one. I need one right now.

"Come." He tells me. My legs feel like rubber all of the sudden, but when he carefully forces me out of the truck, I know I have no choice. He holds me until I feel like I can stand on my own. There are steps closing in, I know who it is without having to look. Tony steps in front of me, hiding me from his view for another few seconds.

"Dinozzo! If you want to keep your job, you better move your ass over to that truck." That´s Gibbs how I remember him. Ever-grumpy-always-pissed-off Jethro Gibbs with that ever present cup of coffee in his hand. I feel a smile creeping over my face for a second. He´s standing right in front of Tony now, but I don´t think he saw me yet.

"Boss...I may not have found our suspect, but I think here´s someone else whom you should talk to." Tony says and I feel how he takes my hand. He steps aside and I find myself only inches from my ex-boss. I feel his breath on my face and I see those blue eyes looking at me. Tony lets go of my hand and I want to turn around, but two strong hands are now resting on my shoulders, forcing me to stay where I am. When I look up, there´s something in his eyes I never noticed before.

That look is gone too quickly for me to identify it. "Kate..." It doesn´t sound angry. His voice is soft, something that one doesn´t get to hear too often around him, except when he´s extremely pissed off, but right now he´s not. Tears start to stream down my face again and I can´t hold them back. Without saying another word, he pulls me into an embrace and holds me. My head is resting against his chest and I smell that mix of coffee and cologne. I don´t think about how this might look for anyone watching us. I don´t care if he was my boss or if he is a bastard sometimes. There are only five words on my mind now and I can hear my voice breaking when I manage bring them out. "I want to go home." Everything comes rushing back now, all those feelings I tried to hide for the last year. They are crashing down on me like an avalanche My legs give way, but I don´t fall. He is still holding me tight. "Please."

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All right, here´s the second chapter. I can´t promise when I will manage to write on, major exams coming up over here, but I will finish it. Hope you still like it.


	3. Moving on

What if...

Disclaimer: I don´t own any characters or anything.

Summary: Kate made a choice about her life and now wonders if it was the right one.

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Chapter 3: Moving on

When I look up again, there is something I have never seen before. The great Jethro Gibbs, former hard-as-rock-marine-now-always-grumpy-special-agent, has tears in his eyes. "Okay." He says with a smile and puts me back onto my feet. I can´t believe this is actually happening. "Tony, call the colonel, we´ll move that interview to tomorrow." He tells Dinozzo over my shoulder, who just walks over to the SUV. From the way he walks, I can see that he´s happy.

"I...I need to get some stuff and...and I have to get J.T´s stuff and..." I start and he puts a finger on my mouth.

"Don´t worry...who is J.T?" He asks after a moment and gives me a puzzled look. This is what I´m almost more scared of than anything before, but he´s got a right to know. I should have told him right away, but I was too scared. I´m still scared and I don´t know how to tell him. I don´t know if I can.

I turn to the truck and lift the little boy out of his carrier. He squeals with delight when I take him out. "Special Agent Gibbs, meet J.T. Todd." I introduce him and hope that I can put the rest off until we´re somewhere else. It doesn´t seem to fit into a parking lot to tell him that he´s got a son.

"Oh..." Is all he says and then smiles, watching how J.T. is reaching for his basecap.

It takes about an hour to get back to Lost Lake. Tony pulls the SUV up next to my truck and they get out. When I get out of the truck, I hear someone calling my name. It´s McGee, who has been sitting in the back of the SUV. He´s bouncing of the walls when he sees me and gives me a hug. "Kate...oh my word, it´s really you. I thought it was just one of Tony´s jokes." He says and smiles. He seems to have grown up somehow. I know that he hasn´t been probie for a long time, but that´s how I still see him somehow.

I hand him a bag with groceries and take J.T. out of the truck. "Could you two get the stuff inside?" I ask Tony and he just nods. He knows that I haven´t finished what I had started and pulls McGee into the cabin. Gibbs is standing on the porch, looking around. He turns to me when he hears me walk up. J.T. has fallen asleep in my arms. "I can really come back?" I ask him carefully and hope that he will still say yes.

He looks at me for a few seconds. "If I say yes, will you tell me the whole story?" He asks and sits down on the porch. "Where´s his dad? Working?"

"In a way, yes. J.T. is just what I call him, because it´s not so long." I start and then take a deep breath. "When he was born, I decided to name him for his dad, you know."

Gibbs smiles and watches J.T. for a moment. "That is a nice thing to do. If I had to guess, I would say T is for Thomas." He says and I feel my heart beating like mad. The inevitable comes rushing up to me and I know I can´t put it off any longer.

"In fact, you´re right." I take another deep breath and try to choose the next words very carefully. "That´s for his grandpa, my dad that is..." I hesitate again for a second. "J is for Jethro." Well, it´s out now and I look into his blue eyes. There is a something like shock in them.

Disbelief is plainly on his face now. "But..." He starts, but doesn´t go on. He looks at his son and at me again. "Why didn´t you tell me?" His voice is calm and I suddenly know that he´s not angry. Only shocked.

"I was scared. You´ve been married 3 times and you never seemed terribly comfortable around children. If anybody had found out, they would have kicked either of us from the team. And most of all, there´s rule 12." I´m not sure how or why, but suddenly I don´t need to search for those words anymore. They just seem to come out of me by themselves. It´s rather cold, a typical afternoon in late January, but I don´t feel the cold wind today.

I know that I have my life back now. We will leave for Washington in two days. I have sold the cabin the following morning. Somehow, I´m happy about how things have developed, eventhough I can´t stop thinking about what might have been, if I had left that parking lot before Tony had noticed me. What if I had done that? I don´t know and I actually don´t want to know. This time I´m sure I made the right choice.

END

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Thanks to everyone who reviewed the story. I hope you liked the end as well as the beginning. I had to finish it, since this idea wouldn´t leave me alone anymore.


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